Up & Down the Roller Coaster…

It started to rain heavily here in Kuching last nite. Heavy rain, strong wind, extremely cold surrounding air. The clock struck midnite & I wished darling a Happy New Year with a kiss. Mum was asleep since 9 p.m. and Tim was already out celebrating somewhere.

Due to the rainstorm, ASTRO signal was interrupted constantly. Darling gave up trying to watch TV & decided to sleep early. I was left alone in the living room, editing Eileen’s wedding photos while surfing the net.

Few minutes later, I decided to call it a nite & started to clear-up the living room before going to bed.

As I was passing daddy’s photo, I stopped. “Happy New Year, daddy”… I thought silently. I off all but one lights for Tim then walked into the room. As I was getting into bed, flashes of last year’s memories appeared. Mostly of daddy…

I decided to read a little cos I know if I tried to sleep immediately, I will be having a restless one the whole nite. Our phones started to ring… sms alerts. They continued on for easily 2 hrs. Bloody hell… don’t these people know we might be asleep during the time & the constant ringing can disrupt our sleep? Why can’t they send the messages earlier or later in the morning? I turned my phone into silent but I can still hear mum’s & darling’s phones ringing in the house. Ah well… I continued reading till my eyes decided it’s time to sleep.

The rainstorm lasted almost the whole nite…

Woke up at about 10.30 a.m. this morning. While sitting in the living room; waiting for sleep to go away; my mind started to re-play the scenes of what I went through in 2007. It’s like watching show… fast-rewinding, then stop on certain scenes, then rewinding again:

me entering the ICU & seeing daddy restless in his sleep. He opened his eyes for a few seconds when I touched his forehead. I think he smiled, then closed his eyes again;

with mum in the little room next to the ICU talking to the neurologist. We were told we might lose daddy & we need to try to save him by sending him to Normah Hospital for a skull removal procedure;

daddy responding to my touch by squeezing my hand upon my request after 1 week in coma;

daddy waking up in the normal ward one nite & hugged mum with me while crying;

talking to mummy asking bout dad while I was in Lembeh Straits, looking at the clear blue sky;

daddy laughing when he saw me entering the house on Valentine’s Day;

daddy singing “Happy Birthday” along with the physiotherapist during his therapy;

feeling ever so angry & helpless with Tim;

me cleaning daddy’s ear while he watches TV (he allowed only me to do that);

daddy hugging me goodbye & patting me on my back before I left for Layang-Layang;

daddy looking calm while being wheeled into the operating theater to have his skull inserted back;

daddy’s eyes wide opened while being wheeled out from the OT after the surgey;

me crying my heart out, feeling all so heart-broken, alone in the hospital ward, knowing the truth even before doctor tells us about daddy;

on the boat out at river mouth, scattering dad’s ashes into the sea;

me freaking out during the wedding preparations;

me crying when we paid respect to daddy’s memory before leaving for church on wedding day;

me stumbling on my wedding vow & cried again;

darling carrying me into the house after wedding lunch reception;

Now 2008 is here… what do I have in mind?

• enjoy my married life,
• re-think & re-plan about my career decision,
• lose a little more weight & maintain a good health,
• showering endless love for mum, darling & Tim,
• continue my effort to conserve resources & the environment;
  • accepting less plastic bags during shopping,
  • re-cycle anything I can at home,
• continue diving & taking photos,
• try to help & change more lives of those who need it,
• try to finish my MBA for this final year.

I have to admit… I’m so tired… so I’m taking this year to recuperate. And I hope I can find what I want to do for my career path soon.

~ by Asther on January 1, 2008.